Get Back in the Game!

In my psychotherapy practice, I often run into folks of a certain age who want to make changes in their social life. Some say that while raising kids, working, going to school, paying bills and making ends meet, they just kind of let their social life slide. Now after years of neglect, the social skills feel rusty or out of shape.

After a certain age, one client said, its hard to make real friends. Friends I made in college and when I was single have now moved on or away. Some are still around but we’ve all changed. How do I get back out there?

That is a very real challenge for many over 40 year olds. Our kids are beginning to develop their own social lives. Some of us are becoming grandparents but we still want to get out among folks and socialize or even date. How do we make that happen without seeming to be desperate fish out of water?

My suggestion is to put your life in project mode. Whatever it is you want to accomplish, meet people, date, get your finances in order, develop your spirituality, or go back to school--approach it with a plan. Take a few moments to really think about then and write down what your social goal is. Do you want to meet friends for travel, leisure or pure socialization or are you looking for a potential mate? Decide what it is you want.

Then, keep the plan going by identifying some concrete resources. Are you a member of a social or professional organization? Try to attend meetings and join a committee or two. Working alongside other people puts you in a position to meet people and it gets you out of the house and talking to folks. Does your church need volunteers for community projects? What other volunteer opportunities interest you and the people you would like to get to know? Join a group at work for lunch a couple of times a week if that is an option for you. Maybe you could start a walking club or a lunch bunch. Do you like reading? There are several bookclubs around that do more than just read books. Some meet for dinner or take booklovers cruises together. What about an art or cooking class? If those things interest you, you might have an opportunity to meet someone else with similar interests. Don’t forget to use your family resources. Ask family to think about you when they participate in interesting activities events.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to attend events alone. It might seem intimidating at first but try this. Walk in with a warm smile on your face. Have 3-5 standard opening lines and at least one followup question ready. Walk up to someone and say: This is a great party, have you been to one of these before? When I attend a party or reception alone, I look for a small group of people who seem to be enjoying themselves. My standard line is this: Hi, I’m Taviaz. You all look like you are having a lot of fun and I am here by myself. Do you mind if I join you? Usually the group takes me under their wing and I always meet a couple of people that I keep in contact with.

We live differently today. Life is fast and you can find yourself feeling lonely and left behind. If that is something you want to work on, try these suggestions. Let me know how it works out for you. Contact me at Taviaz@aol.com.

Race Memory

"The idea of slavery is a powerful one. It's one that were suppose to have forgotten but five hundred years later, you just don't forget" Caribbean-Canadian writer, Nalo Hopkinson



I just heard a bit of an interview with one of my favorite authors, Nalo Hopkinson. In in the interview, Nalo speaks about the power of the idea of slavery. She recounts that she had gone to a travel agent to book a cruise. While waiting, she saw a cutaway of the cruise ship and the sleeping quarters. When she looked at the picture, Nalo says that what she saw was a slave ship. Further into the interview, Nalo speaks about the issue of forgetting about slavery and about race memory. After I watched the interview, I just sat back for a moment. Do we all, as African Americans, carry the memory of the inhumanness and humiliation of slavery in our genes? Are we still remembering the hurt and anger of our ancestors?

Most of my life I have known that I have what I call “a touch of claustrophobia.” In reality it is more than a touch. I have a strong aversion to closed in places like small elevators with several passengers. Lately, it seems that I am traveling on more of the smaller airplanes used for short trips and connecting flights. It is really hard for me to get on the plane if the plane is full or if I have to stand in a crowd of people to get on.

I have always wondered why I have this illogical fear of being crowded in a small place. Could it be that small, crowded enclosures trigger this race memory of being imprisoned and packed into one of those slave ships?

Link to Nalo Hopkinson Interview: